karabehrens

karabehrens @ 2008-10-13T20:51:00

2008-10-14T00:55:58Z

i was never really worried about making friends in college but if i had known it would be like this i wouldve moved in in june. i love having "the room" to be in, i love my baseball boys, i love my roomate, i love my ex-ra, and i love my hall. i even love that my first boy interest gave me mono, even though right now im bedridden and throwing up from amoxycillin. i enjoy every single one of my classes, and i love my teachers, and i love my job, but i live for the weekends. the only thing i dont like is how far away from home i am, not because i miss home, but i wish some people could visit me.

i thought i had more to say.

karabehrens @ 2008-09-03T00:56:00

2008-09-03T04:57:27Z

i am seriously very surprised by which people i miss and do not miss. i'm obviously not going to say who those people are but i need katie alton. =(

karabehrens @ 2008-08-27T03:22:00

2008-08-27T07:36:59Z

my attempt to fall asleep tonight listening to happy music resulted in me realizing i needed a full crying session, so i went at it and i was sad, but it felt good. and then i realized how fucked up the past has made me. and how at this point in my life i would rather die alone than risk being hurt again. and i know maybe some people say that, but i cant even like a person anymore, i have no faith in them. and its not even that i have high expectations, because i dont, but i have low expectations for myself. after giving and giving and giving and never getting anything in return, i dont know what i can do any better. maybe my best is good enough, and maybe i didnt have the right opportunity to show it. or maybe theres nothing more i can do, and it isnt good enough, and if that is the case, im not going to bother trying.

thats when the crying stopped being controllable and it didnt feel good anymore. i dont like not being able to control my emotions. and i know going to college isnt going to help this because i know how college guys are. and im looking forward to just being a good friend to everyone, and i dont plan on getting involved with anyone, not just yet at least.

i have a great future to look forward to, and i have some great plans for myself but why is love such a big factor? i know its important, but its not worth the pain.

one by one my friends are leaving, pretty soon ill be the last one left, i dont leave until the 5th. its just kicking in what a big step this is. i may never see some of the people that matter to me. i hate that people change, i dont think its necessary. i believe in progression.

i want to know what will come to be, so i can skip all of this drama and hurt and just get there, i wont have to learn anything because ill already know everything.

karabehrens @ 2008-08-15T22:49:00

2008-08-16T02:52:50Z

so i just got my schedule for school, i like it a lot. on mondays i only have class from 8 30 to 9 15 and then im done. my teachers are all well liked, and i love all of my subjects. my roommate is awesome, i have everything i need. but its going to be so different, not having dudley to come home to after a rough day. but im starting to figure out exactly what i want, im making a plan.

im other news, im getting really fed up with you.

p.s. i wasnt trying to lead you on, please dont lose interest.

karabehrens @ 2008-08-10T15:58:00

2008-08-10T20:00:24Z

writer's block: is there a topic you can't stop writing about in your journal? why do you write about it so much?

no, but there are multiple topics i cant stop trying to figure out how to write in my journal, because theyre constantly on my mind due to my official inability to open up to anybody, even my best friend.

ive made so many mistakes in the past, i know, but it is near impossible to achieve a complete change in personality. i could do it, but these things ive done have become a part of me that ive grown to hate.

i want to know why people are the way they are. how people can possibly be so selfish, and inconsiderate, and naive to the fact that they are in fact selfish and inconsiderate. and how people can be so miserable but still go on doing the things they do, and thats why i want to change. because i havent felt good about myself being the way ive been, even though ive been enjoying myself. i realize that in order to be the person you want to be you may not be happy all of the time, but i would much rather be seen as an important figure than be selfish enough to think i deserve to be happy all of the time.

and now in the midst of all of my confusion, you come back. and something could finally be happening of all of this and im not sure how much i want it anymore, after all this time. if you like me so much, youve had years to do something about it, not wait until you realize im the only one who has stuck around.

im not going to do this anymore. im not putting up with being pushed around or used because i care about people and my relationships with them. im going to college in a month and i know youre going to miss me, thats not me being arrogant, its me realizing how much you need me to do everything for you.

and im sure this doesnt make much sense to anybody, but just know im on to all of you and im not going to take this from anybody anymore, everybody needs to learn how to grow up and be nice to one another. all this drama isnt helping anybody, and even though im never in the middle of it, im sick of hearing about it.

:)?

karabehrens @ 2008-07-30T01:17:00

2008-07-30T05:18:56Z

why do i bother trying? being emotionless isn't something someone should aim for. neither is being an asshole. i hate knowing someone better than they know themselves, and i hate it more when they don't know what's best for them.

three cheers for me being on livejournal again.

karabehrens @ 2008-07-29T23:46:00

2008-07-30T03:50:44Z

i space out so much lately i scare myself, i never really thought about the universe so much. today i watched the sunset from the nicest place in cape cod. at one point there was no distinction from ocean and sky and i just want to know everything about everything and i'm disappointed because i know i never will no matter how hard i try.

i want to better myself. i know that what has happened has happened but i think i can gain morals again, some at least. i want to just be a good listener to everybody, and i want people to be able to come to me. i don't want to talk about people, i just want to be a positive figure.

and i want to talk to everybody from my past, i've grown up so much.

karabehrens @ 2008-07-27T22:25:00

2008-07-28T02:29:00Z

I'm fed up. You all treat me like shit and then you expect me to not get pissed off all the time? Well if you haven't noticed i'm done putting up with it. I'm not going to be at everybody's beck and call if i'm not being appreciated for helping eveyone out all of the time. You all have to get over yourselves and look at the way you treat the people that are the best to you.

karabehrens @ 2008-07-26T23:47:00

2008-07-27T03:51:08Z

why do i feel like i'm the only one who doesnt obsess over talking about themselves? i didnt use to have this problem but i cant talk about anything anymore to anybody, nobody hears a word i say.

and if people tell me they worry about me sometimes because i dont talk about "my feelings" as much anymore, then youd think theyd shut the hell up when i try. i'm catching onto everyones games and im not the only one, everybody is so dramatic.

=(

2008-07-24T03:57:35Z

i'm getting a second wind of feeling the way i did two and a half months ago. such drastic change cant just be forgotten and i'm constantly reminded of it, whether by movies, stories, his face. i don't miss him necessarily, and i know that what happened was for the best, no matter how it happened, but its hard going from always having someone to being nervous to make eye contact the one time you see them.

i know that it takes time, but until i find that someone, i don't understand how its possible to love someone as much as you do your first love. i'm scared of that because i need that as soon as possible, i need that someone thats always going to be there, and as much attention as i may be getting lately i secretly despise it because i know it means nothing.

some people i envy for the way they can be so private, but when i myself am private i go absolutely crazy. and im fed up with trying to vent my problems to people just to have them compare them to their own. its not the same, and you have no idea what im going through. i actually do have problems, so if you want to complain about your lives than go for it, i'll just keep my words pent up until i do something terrible, then you can compare.

i wish i never knew what love was. im sick of talking about it.

karabehrens @ 2008-07-06T13:47:00

2008-07-06T17:52:19Z

"I'm not vegetarian. I don't listen to the Misfits. I can't play drums. Nobody from my town likes grindcore. I hate the show House. I smoke fucking cigarettes. I drink fucking beer. I'm not a skinny fuck. My hair is not fucking primp. I wear sweaters. I love Sum 41. I hate everyone. My friends are fucking awesome. This band has infinite amount of people in it. I record all the stuff myself. I write all the fucking lyrics. I don't care two kids died my senior year. I don't care that my songs are really short. Fuck you."

I can't believe I dated that for over a year. How can someone be so indecent to say that publicly? I'm so much happier now. I'm constantly busy with friends that I never got to see before. And I don't know how I went for so long kissing only one boy who didnt even appreciate me. I have so much more respect for myself now that I know what I deserve.

karabehrens @ 2008-05-05T23:46:00

2008-05-06T03:47:30Z

you know that little heart with the crack down the middle that shows on facebook when you list yourself as single? thats actually what it feels like.

karabehrens @ 2007-09-20T22:16:00

2007-09-21T02:16:24Z

undecided.

karabehrens @ 2007-05-14T15:26:00

2007-05-14T20:33:37Z

the girls.

the boys.

karabehrens @ 2007-04-08T01:07:00

2007-04-08T05:08:12Z

most of you are losing my respect really quickly.

karabehrens @ 2007-03-16T22:39:00

2007-03-17T03:05:12Z

i'm so terrified of driving in the snow that i don't realize i'm pretty good at it and my car doesnt have any trouble at all. half days are nice. and friendly's dates with linnea and kristen are so much fun.

sunday, tracy and i will have been going out for two weeks, this is a really good thing.

and lately, since i haven't really had a good cry in a long time, i find myself tearing up over the smallest things, like history class?

"what's this?" "it's cheese."

"you cannot get this."

karabehrens @ 2007-03-12T15:37:00

2007-03-12T19:38:12Z

i'm going to flunk out of high school primarily because of mla format.

karabehrens @ 2007-03-11T00:07:00

2007-03-11T05:08:17Z

at least once a day i think about what the people around me would be thinking if i died at this very moment. and i mean people specifically. i try to better myself everyday.

karabehrens @ 2007-03-08T21:59:00

2007-03-09T03:14:14Z

i'm so afraid of the future. and for a little while today i wish i had never made any friends, because when i graduate high school i don't want to lose them. and i'm afraid that when i do go to college all of the memories i will have made with the people that i have come to know and love will kill me. i'm nostaligic enough as it is.

this year when i get my yearbook i'm buying a notebook. and every person that i have ever spoken to, or looked at, or loved, i'm writing down everything i know about them. every moment that i have ever spent with them. every word they said. i dont care how many notebooks it takes or how much time it takes but i'm doing it.

because i cant let all of my life up until graduation just fade out until it's nothing. because these years i realize mean more than anything that's to come. and everything i've learned has come from right now. and i'm going to live in it. i'm going to live in now for the rest of my life.

i'm so scared.

karabehrens @ 2007-03-07T22:26:00

2007-03-08T03:26:55Z

i can't get enough of youuuuuuuuu :)

karabehrens @ 2007-02-17T12:00:00

2007-02-17T17:00:29Z

It's the place that you have come to fear the most.

karabehrens @ 2007-02-15T16:16:00

2007-02-15T21:22:51Z

aries - you have a generous heart and often do way too much for others. sit back and see who is willing to do things for you. by the end of the day you will have a good idea who you should keep in your life.

well valentine's day was interesting none the less. maybe i went about things wrong but i'm not sure. i still need to figure out what's going on in my head before i can go on with anything. but i appreciated it so much.

karabehrens @ 2007-02-08T21:13:00

2007-02-09T02:29:09Z

sometimes things can just wake you up. i don't think i've appreciated life more just realizing that anything can happen at any moment. "maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves." or maybe you just have to see the effect that one little mistake can have on so many people. maybe you need a little kick in the ass to see what's coming to you.

maybe what's happening right now isn't supposed to be understood, but if it is then i'm doing a poor job. timing is always off and everybody's always unlucky. seeing dave the way he was seriously stopped my heart, and that's the kind of thing that can happen to anybody. i never want to have to be in a hospital again, and i never want the situation to ever be "worse than we expected". i wish i could make people invincible. i haven't driven since i think saturday. i don't plan on driving people at all until i'm legal. and i really like the person i am right now, i am living for myself and i'm so glad.

ups and downs, ups and downs.

karabehrens @ 2007-02-06T16:48:00

2007-02-06T21:51:16Z

i think maybe this could be really good for me.

EDIT: i don't know what's right for me and my mind changes everyday. i don't know how to think or feel or act on my own behalf. nobody's making this easy for me and i shouldn't have expected them to but you?

please don't ask.

karabehrens @ 2007-02-04T09:33:00

2007-02-04T14:44:12Z

really i feel like maybe i shouldn't be making some of these decisions on my own. sometimes i know i could be happier but maybe i'm scared. and i'm hurting people that i don't want to be hurting, including myself. and sometimes the person that i think maybe i shouldn't talk to so much is the one that when i'm in a bad mood it kills me not to be able to talk to them. and maybe i'm jealous sometimes, but i don't blame myself, it just comes with it.